RUPERT MURDOCH did much to improve the moral well being of
the nation when he closed down the News of the World.
Since then, we live in a much less polluted society and our
collective soul has been cleansed by the eradication of the evil staff (me) and
wicked readers (yes you!).
In the 12 months since the paper closed, no one can have
failed to notice how Britain is a finer and more noble place to live.
No peer of the realm has committed perjury, no “happily
married” MPs have been taking secret mistresses and all celebrities have
chucked their class A drugs into the Thames.
I am immensely reassured by the fact that, search as they
may, not one newspaper has been able to locate a single paedophile ring to
bust.
As for gun runners, drug dealers, human traffickers and bent
cricketers, I am relieved to report that, since the closure of the News of the
World, my colleagues on rival newspapers have been unable to find one. They all
saw the error of their ways, took Holy Orders or became outreach workers at
Lambeth Council.
Why the News of the World wasn’t closed down years ago, I’ll
never understand.
To think that seven generations of journalists spent 168 years
fooling around, exposing the misdemeanours and crimes of the great and the good
for absolutely no reason at all. Those glittering industry awards and the
biggest circulation in the world were the fruits of an elaborate hoax on the
nation.
Because as soon as we left the stage, so did all the
villains who decided they wouldn’t be seen dead in the Sunday Mirror. And they
would rather appear in Good Housekeeping than, heaven forbid, in the fluffy Sun
on Sunday.
In 1995, we kicked up a bit of a stink when a judge let off
some crooks we had exposed. In those not-far-off times, all sorts of misguided
fools used to spring to our defence, in case you’ve forgotten.
On August 5 that year, one lad said: “I recognise the
valuable role the News of the World has played in bringing criminals to book. I
applaud the co-operation the police have received from the newspaper and its
investigative reporters.
“If the law is inhibiting the role played by the News of the
World then I would certainly want to look at it.”
Poor deluded fool . Michael Howard was his name. What do
Home Secretaries know about these things eh? And he was deadly serious when he
told me. I stuck it in the paper for a bit of a joke.
These even minded fellows in the Labour Party, especially
the understated and even-keeled Tom Watson, were spot on to jump on the
bandwagon of our commercial rivals at the Guardian and have us killed off. It is just what the country and the newspaper
industry needed. It would have been OK if we had been found wanting and cleaned
up our act. But we hadn’t.
Rupert Murdoch’s adversaries will never force him to sell
off his remaining London newspaper assets. The Sun, and the colossal loss
makers, the Times and Sunday Times, are very close to his heart. In fact, he
has formed a special little company just for them so they can be safe and sound
in perpetuity! That was really nice of him I thought. Just goes to show he’ll
always be here to make sure these great institutions don’t fall into the hands
of a billionaire porn merchant or an asset stripping buccaneer.
Good to see he still has a sense of humour too. Those
foolish, misguided “English”, who don’t want his billions. Ho, ho, he loves a
jolly little leg-pull does old Rupe! Don’t worry, he’ll be here forever,
safeguarding thousands of jobs and subsidising our greatest newspaper titles by
pouring in millions of pounds of his own cash.
So relax. All’s well with the world now the old rag has been
shut. And investigative journalism has never been sharper. I don’t panic
because I live in the real world you see. And on that note, I’ll say “Cheerio
and pip-pip ” as I’m off to the bookies – to back Elvis riding Shergar in the 2.30 at Brigadoon.
* This article can also be read in the Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/neville-thurlbeck/three-cheers-for-the-deat_b_1658499.html
Neville Thurlbeck is the founder of TalentGB, an on-line directory
of showreels of artistes of every genre
